Which Continental Philosopher Are You?

Taking a bit of a break this week; here’s something that’s hopefully somewhat mildly amusing. I was aiming more toward the idea of classic Brunching Shuttlecocks than those 50-question Myers–Briggs type quizzes that somehow continue to remain popular.

Note the occurrence of your letter choices 👇

1. When confronted with systemic injustice, your first instinct is to:
A. Diagram the power flows and institutions involved
B. Reject all pretense and yell in the town square
C. Write a 30-tweet thread about semiotics
D. Attempt to find transcendence through rigorous structure
E. Destroy the system through absurdity and laughter

2. You regard “truth” as:
A. A function of discursive regimes
B. A weapon used by those in power
C. A simulation that replaced the real
D. A horizon we approximate through reason
E. An elaborate joke everyone’s taking too seriously

3. Your ideal aesthetic is:
A. Clinical archival chaos with footnotes
B. Barrel-core minimalism
C. Neon glitchwave
D. Monastery-chic
E. Dumpster with style

4. Someone says “AI will change everything.” You respond:
A. “Whose ’everything’? Define your subject positions.”
B. “Will it also change how we wipe our asses?”
C. “It already has. You just haven’t noticed.”
D. “Only if it conforms to rational ethics.”
E. “I trained a rat to scream at Google Docs, so I’m good.”

5. Your biggest fear is:
A. Being co-opted by the system you’re critiquing
B. Dying clean and respectable
C. That nothing is real and it doesn’t matter
D. That contradictions will remain unresolved
E. That people will stop laughing

Results:

Mostly A: Foucault
You map systems like a haunted cartographer. You don’t fight power, you trace it, name it, and let it flinch under your gaze. Your memes have citations. You're sexy in a terrifying way.

Mostly B: Diogenes
You contain no illusions. You contain very little, actually. You see the world’s performativity and refuse the play. Your barrel is real, and it's rent-free.

Mostly C: Baudrillard
You live in the hyperreal. The map replaced the territory decades ago. You don’t mourn the real; you vibe with the ghosts. Your enemies are signs, not people.

Mostly D: Kant
You crave structure like oxygen. You believe in reason but you know it has limits. You're the friend who says “technically...” and means it. You think ethics is real and you're kind of right.

Mostly E: Deleuze (with a hint of Žižek)
You are chaos on a motorcycle. You love flows, rhizomes, nonsense, and the sacred joke hidden inside all serious discourse. No one understands your takes, but they feel true.